Something quite funny

Raúl is one of my freinds, he's one of the guys that's always talking bad about people who dress in a non-fashion way, who have a different body, who act in a mature way (just to metion some examples).. and well almost everyone knows about his attitude so they also say bad things abbout him of call him fagget 'cos he talks in weird way (I'm not syaing it in a bad way) and well the funny thing about this is that he has some problems with his self-esteem so he is always getting upset 'cos of all the things people say about him :S and since we've known eachother for 7 years now he always tells me about how bad it makes him feel and he starts to talk bad about that people 'cos it's the way he tries to takes revenge of them and well since he knows I don't talk bad about people who are differnet - One of the reasons he calls me "old bitter man" :( - I always tell him he shouldn't care about what they say because no-one is perfect and besides that he needs to be sure of who he is without feeling bad 'cos of external comments.

So a few days ago he asked me if I was going to a party organised by a girl who seemed to like me, we work in team jobs together and her friends are also nice with me, and wlel I told him I wasn't invited (Which is the truth) and I told him. "I just don't get it, I'm always friendly with her and I see her a friend 'cos she's mature and not 2-faced but she didn't invite me, I don't know why do a lot of people think I'm false or just doubt I'm a nice guy" (I was shocked) and he told me "You have always taught me that I shouldn't care about wat people think of me as long as I'm happy with me" and well it was funny 'cos I do think that and I have that mentality but the thing is that I find it sad, I mean I'm always friendly with her and her friends and they are the same with me but she didn't incite me... and she invited Raúl who's the one that talks bad about her :S but well after thinking about this I've realised I shouldn't really care about it even if it's sad 'cos I am me and well if people don't like me I can't do nothing... at least I know I won't act like Raul just to have more "friends" however the fact that Rúl told me I had taught him not to care about other people's comments was nice for me.. 'cos it made me see he really appreciates my advices and that makes me feel good 'cs I always try to help him.

Hehe this is a pic of Raúl and me pretending to be workers, I really like it, if u notice something weird in him it's 'cos his nose was swollen since he had just had it done ... he didn't like his orginal nose

The case is closed

This weekend has been quite harsh for me.. on saturday morning I started to feel more depressed and angry about my situation so my family started to notice there was something wrong, my mum asked me what was wrong with me and I told her everything's was ok but of course my attiude wasn't a good one however she didn't insist, after that I spent all morning working on my school tasks and when it was time for us to have lunch I dunno I was feeling terrible so I just sat on the table and ate as fast as I could; when I finished and was about to leave my dad said in a rude tone "Why don't u stay with us ?" and I replied "Why u protest to me?" and he started to tell me I had been acting quite weird and that at least I should "be" with them for more time.. I didn't reply anything and I waited until my sister was done with her meal, after that I stood up.

When I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth my sister entred and asked me what was wrong with me (she clearly knows it's something related to my situation) and I just told her that all the school tasks were making me feel like this and of course she didn't believe me and carried on asking me about it but I replied the same. After some min she started to cry but I decided to act as if nothing was happening 'cos I was feeling really uncomfortable, at a certain time I thought I'd faint 'cos I was feeling really dizzy but thankfully nothing happened and as soon as I finished cleaning my teeth I left the bathroom.

After that I went to the kitchen and my mum asked me again what was wrong... I told her it was school as well and she believed me or at least pretended to believe me but after that I started to calm down and just started to focus in the school project I was about to start.

This attitude might seem to be a bit rude but the thing is that I can't stand my family's attitude.. when I came out to my parents a few weeks ago they promised they'd search for a psychologist and what happened? they did nothing about it! and that's just 'cos they can't accept the fact that I'm gay and they just pretend nothing happened. With my sister is different, she knows me well and she knows I was feeling that way 'cos of my problems but I just didn't feel like telling her 'cos I feel uncomfortable whenever I have to talk about something personal with her and I remembered "Whenever she's mad she's also rude with us so I can do the same.... after all I'm also working in changing my personality so that people don't take advantage on me".

I think these days have been really hard for me and yeah "life changes" but I'm just tired of being patient. I think the best solution is to let it slip away from me.

"Life"

Lately I've been feeling really sad and well things are not getting better to be honest, today I'm feeling worse.. as most of you might know my main goal in life is to move to another country as soon as I finish Uni; doesn't matter if I have to work a lot or anything like that and I'm prepared to do it but the thing is that right now I don't have other motivations in life; if I could die right now I wouldn't care.. my "life" is just annoying and senseless and even though I feel happy with my personality that doesn't matter 'cos I can't do anything about it like sharing it with someone.

Mymain goal is to move so that I can start a new life but well i I could stop living I wouldn't care about my main goal 'cos at least I would stop "living" and however even if I move I'll have to die one day so that's why I wouldn't care if I died today.

As I said before I'll do anything so that I can move in the future but I fear that I might not be able to do this especially 'cos I don't know what to do in order to move and I feel worried about failing ... I dunno maybe I'm just being random or reptitive but it's just that I need to express this :( the only (little) hope I have right now is moving and I really wish I could do it right now but well I still need to wait some years .. that's horrible and I'm tired of being patient and well I could easily kill myself but I just don't have the courage I guess all I can do is cry and hide all this from everyone. I know you might think I'm pathetic but it's just that I'm tired of this.

Feels like I'm suspended

After all these hectic days (which won't end soon) and after dealing with all my "team" mates I think that right now I'm feeling a bit "relaxed" 'cos well I've just realised there's nothing I can do to change this I mean they won't ever work and I'll always be the only one worried about it so there's nothing I can do.. of course it's not fair but I dunno right now I have a lof of faith in Uni (which will start in about 2 months) 'cos I expect everyone there to be different, maybe it won't be a dramatical change but as long as it changes I'll be good.

Right now I'm just working and working and working and I dunno it feels just as if I had made up my mind about it so I don't feel like complaining anymore, as long as I can get the job done. I fear this is something a bit weird 'cos it means I'm only working without thinking about anything else and without "enjoying" life but I dunno why am I going on through this.

In other news today we had a discussion about homosexuality during Psychology class and I gotta admit it was a bit horrible for me 'cos everyone, including the teacher, talked about it as if it was something from another planet I mean they just said like loads of sensless things about it like "If a man has no brothers he's gay" and stuff like that and as usually they also joked about it so it was a bit hard for me 'cos I felt like a weird bug in a shoes box + this guy I used to fancy and who knows I'm gay was sitting on my back so I couldn't stop thinking about what was going on in his mind now that he knows I'm gay, at a certain time I felt like crying and going out of the classroom 'cos of all the things I heard but I just decided to keep it deep inside 'cos it wouldn't have been good.

I don't know what to think about this

Last Sunday we went to the movies 'cos my parents wanted to see "The Queen" movie, after the movie we had dinner in a restaurant and my brother arrived there 'cos he didn't accompany us to the movies, however when we were on our way home I travelled with my parents and my sister with my brother.
My mum wanted to put a CD on and my dad said "Please don't choose CD #3 'cos it's Floricienta's album and I can't stand her, she's annoying", this was surprising for me 'cos "Floricienta" my sister's favourite telly show and each and every single night we watch it (even thought we've seen the 2 whole seasons in the past) and my dad is also there to watch it and he's always like "Oh yeah it's a nice show, we'll miss it whenever they cut it off" so waht I find weird about this is that he doens't really like it but he says it's a nice show when we're with my sister and that's quite silly 'cos my sister doesn't care if my dad likes it .. but why does he have to be like that?!

Also the guy who asked me to forgive him after 2 years (I posted about this recently) told me that he really hadn't found someone true like since he got mad at me 'cos all of his "mates" were shallow and "twats" so he couldn't share his life with them and blah blah and in a certain way I believed in him 'cos I know those guys but surprisingly today I was listening to one of this conversations with one of his "mates" , my seat is infront of his seat in the classroom, and he was talking about one of his realtionships and how sad he was feeling ... so this shows me he was trying to recover my friendship one way or another.

I don't really understand why do people lie when they don't really need to do it, I think it's really annoying 'cos in the case of my dad, even if it sounds rude, no-one cares if he likes this telly show or not so he doesn't need to say he likes it while in reality he can't stand it and in the case of my "impossible" crsuh (haha) he doens't need to tell me he hasn't found someone to share his life with 'cos he ceratinly talks about it with some of his friends, and I hate it 'cos when we used to be good friends he used to be like that.. he was always saying nice things just to make things better even if those things were not true :S (I never moaned about this with him 'cos I was a bit blinded by olve)

Some updates about my life

Thankfully my exams period is over which is something great 'cos all the pressure it causes me is gone now;however the "Cultural week", which takes place every year at my school, is coming and it means one thing: hard work.

I kinda like this week 'cos it's a nice time to create projects instead of taking notes or having exams but the thing is that this time we'll have to come up with a different project/activity for almost every class... until now I've got two projects.

One for Psychology class in which we have to apply a survey, made by us, about sexuality to a bunch of people among a certain age. This one isn't that difficult but as usally I'm making most of the work 'cos my team mates just don't care about it. The second project, and the most difficult one until now, is for Creativity class; it consists in creating a new gadget along with an enterprise, pubilcity, telly commercial and decoration for a rack... once again it's team work but the members of my team haven't worked on the previous projects that we were assigned in this class so it means I'm alone once again.. so I'm already working on my own (I've decided to create a belt which can also be used as a hair band - for girls- ).

Sometimes I ask myself why do I always end up working alone when it's supposed to be a team job but the thing is that none of my class mates really cares about school and well for an unknown reason I think school is important especially 'cos its my only obligation right now and I don't wanna waste my life... maybe I'm a nerd or a geek but well I think it's quite stupid to waste your education especially if you're able to go to a school; on the other hand I think I have to get used to work hard especially if I wanna move to another country when I grow up.Nobody said life would be easy no matter how many probelms you have in your (Being hated by girls you used to think were your friends, being called mummy or dracula just 'cos you're tall and look quite pale, feeling alone and knowing a lot of people "hate" you 'cos according to them you're just too nice to be true so they think you're false or hypocrite..).

So this is all for the moment... it's not a good stage of my life but I can't think of a better solution than dealing with it even if I have to get tearful from time to time.

Once one of my favourite pics makes me think about the few good and special things in my life like being true to myself and being sentimental... it might sound silly but Will Young lyrics help me a lot 'cos I know he also had a rough time (I know he's not the only one in this world nor am I but since I love music and he produces music he's like an inspiration for me however your comments/advices, my friends, are also essential for me)

Weird is the word

So my exams are finally over but all those weird feelings you get when u live something different have been inside of me during the last days... the things is that this guy who used to be my best friend 2 years ago (my first real crush...) told me he needed to talk with me on Wednesday and well I accepted (I felt really anxious after 2 years... my heart still feels something for him but when we stopped talking - he thought I fancied my best female friend who was her gf at that time :S - ) and he told me that during all this time he had thought about things and he missed me 'cos he hadn't been able to find a friend like me, he said I'm unique and that he wanted me to forgive him and to give him a second chance, of course I said it was ok with me.

I went out with him on Friday and well I decided to tell him the truth about my feelings... I wasn't THAT scared about his reaction because he showed me he really wanted me to be his friend again so I knew he wouldn't take it in a bad way so after 20 minutes of telling him "Please promise me you won't tell anyone abut this, even if you get mad again" I told him I was in love and well he was quite shocked but he took it in an excellent way I mean it was nice because I know I'll be able to have him by my side from time to time when I feel down - as a friend of course - and well after thinking about it I felt happy because little by little I'm starting to "let it all out" even though it's not as good as it could be in my opinion.

In other news I already know how to drive haha tbh I really didn't feel like learning to do it but my parents were always bugging me with that and this time I decided to do it just 'cos I was tired of dealing with that, it fels nice and I feel quite happy about it 'cos I'm finding it really easy.

Last but not least today something new in my life happened 'cos I travelled by subway and a public bus for the first time in my life and it was quite nice, I went to mexico city with two friends of mine (none of 'em is the one I fancy) and well I was a bit scared like them 'cos it was something new for us but it was nice. We went to a museum where we saw a 3-D film about dinosaurs.

I know maybe this post is a bit long and boring but it's just that I'm feeling quite unstable 'cos of all the things I've been going through, it's nice and it feels good to "come out of the shell" but of course I knwo it's all part of the process of life so I'll take it little by little.

Upside down....

That's how I've been feeling during all this week, on Monday I wnated to post in here and in the moment I was doing it elecritcity was off and my PC broke down... then also exams started this week so I've been feeling really stressed and tired especially 'cos I always wake up at 5:00 am during school days and I've been going to bed around midnight/1:00 pm for the last 3 days.

Unfortunately my exams won't end until May 13th (approx.) so I need to bear this for some time still and I'm trying really hard to leave all my personal problems behind so that this doesn't "kill" me, I hope you all understand why I haven't been around lately.

I'd like to write more but I just don't feel in the mood :(