Changing the routine

Every thursday me and 2 of my mates suffer, literally, 'cos of this 3 hours class we have. The thing is that even though it's not the most difficult class in the world te teacher, who's got a really nrrow-minded mentality in all aspects, seems to love to see us suffering :P especially when she checks our projects bt anyway yestrday after I was done with her homework I was feeling a bit unsure about it 'cos I didn't know if it was ok so I was affraid of failing but as I was taking a shower I realised I shouldn't feel scared 'cos I knew I had done my best even though it took me more hours to finish than it took to my mates, so toda when the Architect checked my mates' projects she made them change their whole projects and when m turn came she didn't correct anything about mine.

I must admit it felt very good, of couse not 'cos I did well and my mates didn't, I just thught about me and I was feeling happy 'cos norally I tend to be the one that takes more time in doing things whithout gtting better results and this time it wasn't like that so I felt very happy.

After our class one of my friends asked me to go to the movies, he's the one I've known for all my life, so I said yes even though I wasn't THAT excited abut going but I ust thought it'd be nice 'cos we really didn't have to work on our home work and I was feeling happy. We saw "Jumper" and to be honest I expected it to be a crappy movie but to my surprise I really enjoyed even though I'm not into that kinda movies, it's an interesting story and the special effects are good lol I liked it so much that when we went out of the cinema I told him "I'd so love to be like him" haha I know it's a bit odd but I really felt like that and it's the first time tat it happens to me with a movie so I was really happy. When we were on our way to my home we decided to buy some coffe and donuts 'cos we were feeling a bit hungry and well as we were eating our donuts we just started to talk about how nice it is to brear our routines, we also talked about living on our own and visitng our families every weekend and since he's going to NY in a few monts we also talked about the excitement of traveling alone well he's going with 2 friends but they're gonna travel on their own) so I also mentionedhow happy I was when I went to Chicago on my own... Im not gonna makethis post longer, I just wanna emphasize how great it was for me to live thisday like this because it made me realize how proud I m of myself and also howhappy I feel about my current situation even if it's not the best one or a correct one... I prefer to be valuable than pretending o hvea "happy/perfect" life like most people.

Heres a recent pic of me (taken last Thursday), my friend (Poncho) is the one that next to me.

Thank you brother

I never thought I'd actually post something like this about my brother 'cos as you all know we don't have loads of things in common however lately I have been discovering that he's changed a little bit, of course he's still shallow and less "rational" than me but I totally respect him, anyway I'm posting about him 'cos this weekend he has taught me not to take anger in a personal way.

It all happened yesterday when we were having lunch at my grandmother's house, I was feeling a bit moody 'cos I just couldn't feel comfortable in that family environment and well I always sit next to my grandmother (I'm her spoilt nephew :P) and she's always nice with me but again since I was feeling a bit uncomfortable I felt desperate and suddenly mhen I was eating my soup my brother took a pictre of me with his phone and everyone laughed so I just couldn't stand it and I told him in an angry way to quit bothering me (He had been taking pictures of me all day long). I just couldn't help reacting that way because of the thoughts and feelings I had so I reacted in that way but I felt a bit guilty afterwards 'cos it wasn't his fault but I thought "You need to have your own personality and if that action made u feel angry then it's ok to express it" however it wasn't only the fact that everyone laughed because he took the picture, I was also feeling out of place and a bit angry so I thought that maybe I had been a bit harsh on my brother and I knew he would be mad at me but to my surprise after a few hours he was joking with me again and to be honest I felt a relief 'cos I didn't mean to be so rude and well this made me think about my brother's reaction towards anger 'cos today I noticed that my mum got mad at him and well after a few hours he was joking with her again.

I feel really happy about finding out this because from now on I'm gonna try to be like that 'cos it's healthier... in the end anger is just a feeling and like we all know life isn't always pink so of course we'll have little fights or angry moments with the people that surround us since it's something natural but we should never think that just because of an angry moment we're gonna stop talking to someone or we're gonna lose him/her -in some cases it can be like that but it would be 'cos the other person decides it -.

Wishin' and hopin'

I haven't been able to update my blog during the last weeks because I had been really busy with school and some mixed up changes in my life.

I must admit that since I met my gay friend things have been easier for me in some aspects because well at least I can have fun with him and his friends and at the same time I'm learning more about myslf and the "gay side" I hadn't been able to develop before and that's great 'cos it's part of my personality (lol I'm not talkign about turning into a woman haha). In the beginning I wasn't 100% sure about hanging out with them 'cos some of them are like really girly fom time to time and I'm not like that but after thinking it oer I realised I shouldn't be so strict with myself because I can still have fun with them even if we're no 100% the same so I'm gad I refelcted about it. Of course I've been visitnig some gay bars and well I'm still a bit shy when it comes to flirting but I'm not ashamed or worried about it, I'm sure it'll happen when the time is right and I'm glad I kn this way because even if I'm not 100% aware of it I knwo that this changes in my life are or better and they will help me to deelop myself as a man.

On the other hand school has also been keeping me a bit pressured and well thankfully I have been handlig this in the right way mainly because of my friends´ advices 'cos we always do homework together and stuff like that so it's a bit easier but well my gay life and school are not the only things that have ben keeping me busy, stressed or sad.. right now I'm having a 2 weeks break from school so I've returned to my real home and well I've been facing some uncomfortable feelings, feelings that used to bother me back when I was in High School, I forget them when I'm at Uni 'cos over there I can be myself however everytime I come back home I can't help remembering them. I like being the way I am and I don't care about what other people think but sometimes I just can't explain to myself why am I so different to any regular guy who's my age, why don't I feel interested in driving or why do I like artists that no-one else over here cares about.. so that's why rigt now I'm just wishin' and hopin' to find an answer.

Some Uni friends and me having breakfast during our lunch time, we worked as staff for this worlwide Architecture congress called Arquine.

A night out with some mates, it happened last Thursday lol I was really really excited 'cos the DJ played a remix of "Spice Up Your Life" as well as "I Don't Feel Like Dancin'" by the Scissor Sisters.

True friendship

During this week I've been feeling a lot of pressure because of Uni, I think it's one of the most hectic weeks I've had since I started to study Architecture and well as a consequence of that I've been feeling a bit down/stressed/angry and well yesterday we had a class with a terrible teacher who seems to be really calmed down and nice but well in reality she's a b*** lol normally I'm not like that when it comes to teachers but it's the first time I feel so mad about a teacher's attitude.



The thing is that each and every class she asks for a certain work to be done and in the end she tells you your projects needs to be changed in this and that way and every time you ask her for a "green light" so that you can handle it in she makes a correction .... !! anyway, yesterday we had this special day at the Uni to celebrate the Uni's day :P so no-one was supposedto have classes however Achitecture's Principal decided we should have classes so we did have classes and the class of this teacher was the last one so we asked to let us go out instead of having the class and she was just like "Ok, but you'll have more work for the next class, just handle in your homeworks.... if you didn't finish them you can do that right now" (it all sounded perfect!) however we had to work 3 hours (the actaul time of the class) on our homework 'cos she carried on aksing us for more and more details :S I was really angry lol I even felt like breaking my plastic pen but I decided I would just focus on working so that I could leave "early".



I was really focused on my work and suddenly my roommate (the one I used to fancy and who also studies Architecture) hit my back 'cos he made a joke bus I was so angry/pressured/stressed that I automatically turned around and removed his hand of my body so hard that it bounced on the table that was on my back ... of course I didn't do it with a bad intention, I didn't even felt like doing it but my brain reacted in that way 'cos I was really focused, my roommate didn't tell me anything, he just told another friend "What's wrong with him?". As soon as he finished his job he left the classroom and well by tha time I was less stressed 'cos I was about to finish as well so I started to think abou what happened, I felt awful so when I was on my way home with a friend I told him "I think I've got mental problems, I really didn't feel like doing that to my roommate, it happened automatically... I think I won't be able to talk with him to say sorry 'cos I feel really ashamed" and my friend was just like "Don't worry, I'm sure he didn't take it personal" however I couldn't help feeling extremely guilty and ashamed because it was the first time I did that to a friend.


A couple of hours later after I had dinner I decided I had to go to his bedroom so that I could talk with him, I stayed frozen infront of his door like for 5 minutes 'cos I felt I wouldn't be able to look into his eyes and say sorry but well I decided I should just knock without thinking about the way I was feeling and as soon as I knocked and said "It's me" he was just like "What's up, come on in" so I entered his bedroom and started to say how ashamed and sorry I felt and he said "Don't worry about that honestly, I know you well and I know that u reacted in that way 'cos were stressed, you're not like that so if you made that is because you were focused, I don't even feel bad or anything I totally understand it" however I carried on expressing my repentance and he started to laugh and said "You know, you make me laugh 'cos you carry one feeling sorry even though I have told you you don't have anythign to worry about" lol after 20 minutes of talking about it I felt ok and we carried on talking as if nothing had happened. This made me feel really happy and lucky about having him as a friend and roommate because he showed me how true our friendship is and I think it'sthe first time it happens to me with a "real" friend and it feels nice, when I left his bedroom I thanked him for everything and he was just like "You don't have to say thank you". I was feeling really happy and amazed, honestly, it's great knowing that someone cares about you; of course I know I couldn't tell him I'm gay 'os he's really narrow-minded and he is totally straight but well at this point I don't think that the fact that he doesn't knwo i'm gay is somehitng that can make me feel uncomfortable 'cos it doens't matter when it comes to our relationship.

Here's a pic of me with him, he's the guy with the wite cap.

Good times

As most of you might know by now my life has been experiencing some small changes that have made me shift in a good way, right now I think that besides making a dream come true by meeting VB and seeing the Spice Girls live the fact that I have met another gay guy who seems to like me (as a friend) has made me see life from a different point of view; I mean it's not as if my whole world had changed but at least now I feel more comfortable 'cos I have experienced a world in which I'm allowed to be myself without being criticized and well the funny thing about this is that because of the way I had lived until I met Gil (my gay friend) sometimes I'm "ashamed" of doing certain things I feel like doing when I'm with him 'cos I have that social mark that makes me think I'm being girly or gay, however I'm working on that because I think it's time for me to start living my life lol I know his might sound a bit "optimist" but I really think a good change is coming and I love that feeling, in fact I think it's something I took for granted since when I reflected about my grand mother's death a couple f days ago... so let's just wait and see what happens!

A great escape for me whenever I feel a bit outta place or uncomfortable while I'm at Uni orwith my mates has been my iPod.. yeah I sing along and dance around while I listen to some of my favourite tunes, I must admit it's a great medicine.

Upside Down..

First of all I wanna say sorry for this belated post but it's just that well even though one week ago I was the happiest guy on earth because I saw the Spice Girls live in Chicago and I met Victoria Beckham last Thursday my dad's mum died so we've been really down and well that kept me busy because we had to go to her burrial and all that stuff. I must admit it has been shocking for me 'cos it the first time that I lose a family member since I turned into a mature guy so yeah I have been feeling sad and of course I couldn't help crying for her, I can tell you it's a nice feeling knowing that you have a strong family and well of course knowing that even though my grand mother is dead now she left loads of things in me like her advices and comments that were always correct, it's a nice feeling for me and to be honest this kinda changed my life because it has made me realise that well all of us will die one day so it's not good to live my life that stressed or sad because well I'm just 19 years old and she was 92... I still have plenty of time to experience and discover different things, I'm not saying I'm going to turn into a wild guy... no, I'm just gonna strart to change some aspects of my life that could help me to be more happy and enthusiastic about life.

My brother phoned me the next morning afer my grand mother died (Friday) and even though I was sleeping I cried and felt a bit guilty because while she was dying I was partying with my friends.. I had no news about her so I wasn't worried, in fact I was really happy 'cos I was hanging out with my gay friend and my "normal" friends so I had a really nice time lol I really wanted to kiss him again but of course I couldn't do it 'cos the rest of my friends were there however we did have a nice time just for the two of us and w whispered to eachother's ears 'cos the music volume was too loud, sometimes I really think I would liek to have a relationship with him but I don't take it too seriously 'cos he hasn't shown interest in a relationship.. maybe it's too soon.. mabe it wn't happen? wo knows!

Here's a picture of us, my gay friend is the second one from right to left, lol you can see I had beard but it's only 'cos it was a busy week at school so I thought it'd be better to avoid shaving while I took a shower so that I could sleep more haha.

Some updates

- My grandmother's got lung cancer and well the doctors say she'll live for no more than 2 weeks so things are a bit tense with my parents right now, yesterday we spent most of the day at her house and she seemed to be really down, when she went to bed she coudln't stop saying she's affraid that somehitng bad could happen to her, so my dad stayed with her for a long time until she felt asleep and well my dad, as my mum told me, was crying. She's 92 years old and thinking about her death makes me feel sad even though I undersatnd the fact that she's an old person and it's "normal" 'cos that's the way life goes, however this situation has made me reflect a lot about my life and the way I've lived it until now... I know I have to be less strict with myself 'cos well I'm alomst a baby compared to my grandmother and it's a bit silly for me to live life with all my "rules" 'cos when I get older I'll regret about being so strict when I was younger. I have also reflected about other things but this is probably the most important or me right now.

In this pic you can see my grandmother with her brother, some of my aunts, the husband of one of them and my dad on the upper left corner.

- I'm really really excited about my trip to Chicago next Thursday... and to make it even better a couple of days ago I read on the official Spice Girls web that Victoria will be signing some autographs at Saks 5th Avenue in Chicago on the 15th (the day of the concert) so if I'm lucky enough I might get the chance of having a picture taken with her which makes me feel even more excited!

Posh Spice looking stunning as usually.

- Right now I just can't get out of my head (LOL) the new Kylie's single, in US and UK, which is "WOW". I listen to it everyday lol even before I fall alseep I listen to it on my iPod, it's just an amazing song and it puts me in agood mood. Atomic Kitten have also been inside my head lately so I've been projecting myself with some of their hits singles like "If You Come To Me", "Ladies Night", "Be With You", "The Tide Is High (Get The Feeling)" and of course the latest one "Anyone Who Had A Heart".

You can see the videoclip for Kylie's sigle here:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=LnTrZYHK_II

Pop beauties Atomic Kitten performing "Be With You" live at their Greatest Hits Tour back in 2004.

- I'm also feelig happy 'cos even though I didn't hang out with Gil (the gay friend I met last week) this week we were able to have a niceMSN chat and he said we could go out for a coffee next week before I go tot Chicago so I'm looking forward to that as well.


- Last but not least last Thursday I went out with some friends who study Architecture as well and I must admit I had a really nice laugh, I felt really happy with them and this is something nice for me because I'm feeling that the little changes and reflections I've made in my life recently have helped me to develop myslef a bit more, I did have a rough time when everybody started to talk about the guys they suspect are gay in our generation and well also 'cos of their silly comments but I tried not to pay attention to that.

Hmm...

Today I didn't have classes however I've just returned to my "home" here in Mexico city 'cos no-one was able to bring me here tomorrow morning but anyway I was having dinner with 2 housemates, one of them has just arrived and the other one is the one who likes S Club lol, and well we were kinda introducing ourselves to the new guy and my housemate didn't stop laughing/joking about the fact that I still miss my family from time to time just because we're a stable family in all the sense of the word, his parents are divorced and he can't stand them so he laughs at me 'cos I see my family every weekend but it's not my problem the fact that he doesn't miss his family 'cos they have probelms..

At first I found this a bit sad because I was just like "Oh God maybe he's right I'm a loser " but when I thought it over I realised there's nothing wrong with it, I mean it's my family after all and it's like my root, of course as time passes by things between my family and I will change because I need to grow up but maybe right now I just love them so much because of all the things I've gone through and all the efforts I know my parents make so that I can be the person I am so now I know I should've told this guy "You know what it's not your business if I see my family every weekend, if your life is different I don't care" or something like that so that he realizes he's no one to laugh at me, I have always known this but I used to think it would be rude to act in a rude way in those situations but after all I have to earn my respect and this guy has been joking around with me for a while now so I won´t allow that to happen anymore, I'm glad I can see things this way now because it's part of growing up as a person.

Surprise !

Today (after I came back to earth because of what happened last night) I was going to meet a couple of friends in this popular american restaurant called "T.G.I. Friday's" and well this time I didn't feel "anti-social" at all because yeah meeting this gay guy yestrday made me feel really happy so I thought I'd go with them wihtout feeling down or out of place; however when I returned to my hometown, after my classes were over, another friend who studes with my sister invited me to celebrate the birthday of a friend of them in the same restaurant so I really didn't feel like going 'cos I was already going to be there with other firends at night so it'd have meant that I'd have spent lunch time and dinner time there however she convinced me of going 'cos we agreed we'd see echother more often a couple of months ago when we randomly saw echother at a mall.

Earlier this week I talked with my sister on MSN and she told me that her best friend missed me and all of my positive/funny comments so I told her it'd be nice if se invited her to our home on Friday so that we could catch up however even though she didn't invite her to our home 'cos of the restaurant plans they already had I saw her 'cos in the end I was also invited but what I liked about this is that well she really wanted to see me because when my sister and I entered to the restaurant she stood up of her chair and ran to me while she smiled and when we said "Hello" we hugged, I found this really really nice because well when I was in High School we used to have a lot of fun but I never thought she'd still care of me in terms of friendship because I had already started Uni but to my surprise she really missed me and I liked it 'cos I think it's nice when people show you they like you for who you are.

However things weren't THAT good as time passed away because well I saw other girl friends who study with my sister as well, but they really hate my sister and her best friend because they are more mature and also 'cos my sister and her friend are slim whereas they're a bit fat so well it's a long but quite common teenager's story however they adore me but today things changed between us because at a certain point they started to blow little pieces of napkins with straws which is something a bit disgusting 'cos they put them inside their mouths before blowing them so well my sister and her friend didn't like it but they never said somethig rude about it but when these girls found it out they started to laugh at my sister and her frend 'cos they considered them too "posh" and well it wasn't only that, they also started to say bad words to them (they didn't notice it but I did 'cos I was beside them) and well I felt really angry so I didn't talk to them anymore and when they asked me why was I mad ta them I told them "Because you were really rude with my sister nd her firend" and they said soemthng like "We didn't come here to fight" so didn't say anything else.

I must admit it was a bit sad but well I wasn't shocked because my sister had already told me about the rude things they to do her and her friend while they're at school.

This is a pic of my sister, her bets friend and me at the restaurant.

Oh what a night!

LOL I'm a bit speechless about what happened to me last night, honestly, I could say it was one of the best nights I have ever had.

The thing is that, as I posted it some weeks ago, I went out with gay guy who's friend of a friend of mine and wow I just can't stop smiling everytime I think about it. He's good looking, he's a bit tall, he's got really nice eyes haha and well yeah he's got a nice personality. When he picked me up he was acting a bit girly and I felt a bit shocked but as we felt more comfortable I made a comment about his personality and he was just like "I've got loads of them lol u'll get to know them with time" and yeah I noticed he's not only "girly" as the night carried us away, we went to a very famous gay avenue here in Mexico city called "Zona Rosa" (Pink Zone). First we went to a coffee and we had a nice chat there, he told me about his gay life about the bf's he's had and well yeah I aslo talked about my gay life and stuff like that, I must admit I felt like a naive guy 'cos it wasn't only the fact that I was with a nice gay guy, it was also the fact that for the first time I visited a gay place and obviously there were loads of gay couples there and they were kisisng lol so I told him "You know what, it's the first time I see that" -referring to a gay kiss- and he was just like "Oh really?" and I said "Yes" so he aproached to me and said "Do it" ... gosh I felt really shocked and nervous and at first I thought about saying "No" 'cos well it was the 2nd time we hanged out bu I thought it over and said to myeslf "You don't have to pretend, it's not somehting rude just do it jackass" so I did it and wow I must say I enjoyed it it felt really nice hha I tried to do my best however my friend told me he prefers kisses that start little by little so we did it again :D well it wasn't like an ever lasting kiss but it was nice.

After that we went to a gay club and again I saw loads of gay couples, I got a nice feeling ad I felt good; I mea for the first time I was able t be myself without feeling worried or pressured well I did feel abit of pressure when I met other friends of my friend 'cos they were all like a bit shocked (I guess in a bad way) when they knew it was my first "gay" night ever but well I was already prepared for that so I didn't let it spoil the moment. We carried on chatting and well did hae a nce time however I know i'tll take me some time to get into the whole gay world just like my friend told me but I don't mind that 'cos it's better than changing my personality just to fit in quicker.

One thing I must say is that I really felt comfortable wth him, I mean yeah maybe it'd be obvious since it was my first gay night eer but it's not only that, I really liked his personality as well as his ideas about sex, he's careful about it, and well I kno it was my first time but I liked kissing him, lol after he left me at home I cuoldn't stop thining about it and "feeling" his lips however I don't really knnow what's in the future for us but as long as we carry on being friends I'm happy, he's the kinda guy I was expecting to meet and well it's happened now maybe in the future we'll have a relationship but I dunno (He said he only kisses good looking guys after he kissed me XD) and I prefer not to think about it, I'll let if flow the way it comes.

So well thb I never thought I'd see this day so soon so I feel really happy, I know he understood my anxiety/excitement so I'm ok with that because it has allowed me to see life in a different perspective 'cos at leats now I know I have a good friend (if nothign chnages) and well he's brought something I was missing in my life.

LOL there's no need to explain why did I post this pic.

I'm feeling all mixed up

This week was a bit weird for me, on monday I was feeling ok, nothing special about it, however on Tuesday I started to feel really depressed because I noticed that this guy who lives in my house and studies Architecture, Oscar, was well was having fun with other guys and well even though I've made up my mind and I know he's not a potential bf I do feel something for him so I couldn't help feeling sad and jealous but in a good way, to make things even worse one of my new housemates said that I was annoying because of my happiness he said "You're just like a character from Disney's Enchanted movie" and well yeah I know I have a happy personality and I also know some people might find it annoying but I just felt like trash so that day after we had dinner I just decided to go take a shower and go to sleep immediately, I didn't feel like chattin' with all of my housemates 'cos I was feeling miserable, so I went downstairs and started to brush my teeth while I was litening to some sad songs on my iPod, I couldn't help crying 'cos I felt as if I wasn't a human, I even looked at my wrist and imagined this whole shitty suicide panorama. After some minutes I realised Oscar was outise of my bathroom so when I saw him I just pretended nothign was happening and he didn't realise I had been crying and well he was there to tell me about a girl who fancies him and well he said I looked stranged and asked me if everything was ok and I sad "Yes" , I htuoght about talkign with him but this time I decided it would be a better idea to shut up because he's always saying I play the "victim" role.This carried on all the way through Thursday and well that day I helpd a friend whose parents have decided to split up, he felt comfortable talkign about it with me, he even cried and I was glad I could help him so that mde me feel better 'cos I felt happy about helping him.

So it wasn't a nice week at all however I did learn very useful things for life yesterday when I was talking with my dad and my sister, they picked me up, and I'm proud of that 'cos they taught me education always has a limit, and sometimes we get to a poin where we prefer to avoid our opinion so that we don't seem to be rude but that's silly 'cos in the end our personality is always first.

This is me and the girl who fancies my friend, we're in her bedroom lol actually I "like" her 'cos she knows Atomic Kitten, Liberty X, Sugababes, Girls Aloud.. since she studied in Ireland some time ago.

He's another housemate, he's a bit funny and sometimes I suspect he's gay 'cos of his persnality but he has mentioned an ex gf however he likes S Club haha

WOW

First of all I wanna say sorry for my lack of updates this week, I returned to college and well I had a nice comeback, it was nice to see my friends again as well as meeting 2 new house mates and I can't coplain about the teachers I chose so I'm quite happy, I'm liking it a bit more.

Anyway yesterday (Friday) I returned to my home as I do almost every weekend while I study in Mexico, almost everyone at home was feeling in a nice mood 'co my brother would go to Detroit for 1 week as part of of a school trip, which cnsited in visiting different car factories as well as going to a Car's show/expo. which is on of the most important ones in the world, my brother loves cars just as much as I love music, and well he was really excited about it.

After we had lunch my dad said we'd go out 'cos my brother wanted to search for a suit sice we have a cousin's wedding soon so we went out and after we visited a store my dad told me we'd go to an electronics store wich is also a huge stationary so I wentwith him andmy brother and my sister stayed in the car, when I was there I asked him why were there and he tld me he was going to buy a new laptop for my brother (:S), i felt a bit surprised 'cos well he had just paid my brother's trip to Detroit + he was going to give him money to spend there but I didn't say anything 'cos in the end it's not my money and well I already know how selfish my brother is, anyway after some minutes I got desperate and asked my dad if I could give him a notebook and a pen I wanted to buy so that he could pay them as soon as he paid the laptop and I went to the car with my sister.

When I started to tell her about the laptop she got really mad and she started to explain me a lot of little things that made her feel so mad about it because of my dad's attitude towards her whenever she asks him for something (even ifit's a stupid chocolate, my dad compains about going to a supermarket so that she can buy one!) and well my brother told him he wanted to get the laptop before his trip and my dad said yes and decided to buy it... my sister was really mad, her voice sounded really angry and she had tears in her eyes and of course in that moment I felt really sorry for her (I'm teary now indeed) because I understand her but of course there's not a lot of thing that I can do so I just told her that she sould talk with my parents about it and well I said phrase that my dad taught me a few years ago when I lost a good "friend" (my first gay crush) "Everything falls down because of it´s own weight" and I said this because well my brother normally has a rude attitude towards my dad because of his personaity and his way of driving and yesterday he was acting as if that didn't bother to him and well aso 'cos he had been a bit stubborn about getting a new laptop (he's a material person).

While we were on our way home I couldn't help letting a few tears out 'cos I was feelingsad for my sister and also for my dad because I know he lovesmy brother and it seems as if my brother only cared about money and I also felt bit sorry for the sik personality my brother has and well when we got home my brother started to pack his luggage so time passed by a bit quickly, he asked me to lend him one of my hats because the temperature in Dteroit would be of -14ºC , we a laugh while he was trying my hats (I couldn't show my anger towards him 'cos I was also feling sorry) . After he packed his luggage he remembered to take out his Passport and his Visa and when he did it he realised that his Passport was expired..... I was with him in that moment and I didn't know what to say, I thought he'd hit me or something but he didn't he just said "Why didn't I check this before".. he was gutted and well he told my parents who din't know what to say or do, I suggestted my dad to cancel the airplane tckets so that he could go later but well I don't know what they decided to do, my sister said "You're the only one who thinks in this family 'cos my parets don't say anything about it" but well it's not my parents fault either.

Anyway this was really shocking because when I told my sister that he wouldn't go becauseo his expired password we remembered what had tsaid earlier about things falling down because of their own weight however we din't have that much time to react about this because my mum told us that my dad's mum (our grandmother) was really ill, she's 91 year old and well she's having breathing problems, my mum also said my dad cried (I have never ever seen him crying) and well I'm not being pessimist but I'm almost sure that she'll die soon so well as u guys can see I had quite a terrible Friday evening/night... I haveto admit I learnt a lot of things about life and I'm sure this will be smething I'll keep in mind anytime someone tells me I worry about some important things 'cos if I wasn't like that I'd have the same experience my brother has just had.

LOL at my slowness

Yesterday I was at a store with my sister and we were in the fashion/teens magazines section, lol every time we're there I try to camouflage myself among the rock magazines so that my parents don't see me browsing fashion magazines and well my sister showed me a "Teen Vogue" issue about prom dresses 'cos her graduation party will be next summer so we were trying to find nice dresses and suddenly while we were luaghing I saw a really handsome man grabbing a issue of a magazine I was browsing so immediately thought "He only recahed it for his gf or his daughter" and well I just couldn't stop staring at him as he got the magazine, to my surprise when I turned around he was actually browsing the magazine!! and he was just like 3 steps off me lol I felt really nervous and when he looked at me I just turned around as if I was trying to look for someone.

When my sister finished browsing that magazine we walked a little bit 'cos she wanted to show me a bracelet or something like that haha I couldn't pay attention to her 'cos I was still staring at that man so I could notice that as soon as we walked a little bit he walked a little bit too so that he could be near to us, he went to the Sports magazines section and while I was with my sister I would look at him and when I turned around I noticed he was looking at me too, so that's when I realised he was a bit interested in me, unfortunately after that my sister wanted to show me something else so we walked a bit more and this time he waked to the place where we had just been so we carried on exchanging glances until we got coser, lol my sister wanted us to see another bracelet again, and gosh I felt really excited, this time we looked at echother's eyes and it felt nice however I wasn't able to say someting 'cos I felt ashamed and also 'cos my sister was there so he started to act as if he was a bit desperate and unfortunately my sister showed me something so I had to stp focusing on him.... when I least expected it he was walking out o the store.

I have to admit this was really nice 'cos honesly he looked really really goregous and well I was also surprised 'cos he wa sinterested in me but well it was te first time something like this happened to me so I couldn't handle it.

LOL yeah, felt as if I was in Mika's surreal world but it didn't last that much, however it made me feel happy.

A change is always good

Yesterday I hanged out with some Highschool friends that I hadn't seen for a couple of months now, since our graduation party, and well I have to say I had a good laugh. One of them, Jorge, used be one of my closest "friends" alongside another guy called Raúl.

I had been Raúl's friend since 6th grade of Primary School, almost 8 years ago, and well he had always been a bit hard on me since we were kids 'cos if I didn't do what he wanted me to do he'd get mad and say "I hate you, don't talk to me" and well had always been a bit shy and weak so I'd always feel worried if he said that to me 'cos I felt as if my whole world was tumbing down 'cos even tough I had a nice relationsip with most most of my classmates I wouldn't be strong enough to be with them during the recess so if Raúl got mad at me I'd always try to fix things 'cos I wouldn't like to be alone, itwas awful 'cos I would find it hard to get some sleep since I knew he was mad at me, as we started to grow up I started to realie it was really unfair and I also dicovered that Raúl had a relly low self esteem so he'd always feel insecue about his look and stuff like that however when we were in Junior Highschool I was still really naive so I'd still do anythying so that he didn't get mad at me and well things got a bit worse at that time 'cos I started todiscover my homosexuality so I kinda had a rough time at Junior Highschool. When we started Highschool I started to develop my personality a bit more and well I had already decided that I would start to have my own decicions even if Raúl didn' agree with me and when he realised it he kinda accepted it however he'd still want me to agree with him all the time but I wouldn't care if he got mad at me 'cos I knew I was a better person that him and I had to deal with my sexuality so that helped me to be more independent and secure about myself.

During the last year of Highschool I really didn't care about Raúl's friendship however he discovered I was one of his few, or maybe his only, tru friend so he started to be a bit more gentle however he had a lot of fake friendships, by the time Highschool ended we agreed we'd both sill see achother form time to time even if lived in Mexico city (To be honest I wasn't interested at all) and well we started to go to Uni and we didn't kepp in touch that much. I called him on his b-day and he said "I was already getting mad at you for not doing it". We saw eachother once during the semestr and I knew he had problems with his fake friends and with Jorge but we never talked about it. Yetsreday I hanged out with Jorge and 2 of Raúls' fake friends, I wasn't even prepared for going out lol when they arrived I wast still in the shower haha, and today Italked with Raúl on MSN and he asked me if I was out with them yesterday and when I said "yes" he replied "Perfect, you have time to hang out wth them but not with me" and immediately blocked me from his contacts list and just sent him a message saying "You don't have a reason to be mad" and that's it bu what I wanna say with this long, and maybe boring, post is that I'm glad I'm differen now, I'm glad I've changed 'cos if that had happenedsome years ago I'd feel worried and sad but today I can say that I don't care about it 'cos I don't depend on him to be happy or to be myself and I think this is soemting that my sexuality issues have taught me 'cos 'e discovered I'm a good person and I don't deserve anyonoe's bad words.. yeah being gay can be a bit of a headache from time to time bt it has certainly taught me great things about my life.

I decided to post a pic of Mika today, 'cos well he's Lebanese just like my mum's family and I think his lyrics have given me a positive view of life + his I love his look

Funny things in life

As I posted it yesterday today I met a friend at a coffee so that we could make our schedule for next semester, which ended up being a bit horrible by the way, and well we also catched up with other Highschool friends that now study in another University and to my surprise one of them, the only one that knows I'm gay, told me that one of her friends who hanged out with us some months ago is gay, of course I was a bit surprised but not that much because she had already told me that she suspected about his sexuality but anyway she told him that I'm gay too so , according to her, he said that he wants to meet me and tonigt I added him to my MSN conatcts list and I'm also going to add him to my Facebook friends; when I saw him I thought he's good looking and he's got a nice dressing style too however we didn't talk that much 'cos we were not next to eachother so hope I can get to know him better on MSN but it isn't all good 'cos this guy is also friend of one of the best friends of my sister so I'll have to be careful 'cos even though my sister knows I'm gay I wouldn't feel comfortable if she starts to know I'm looking for a bf :( .

One of my new year's resolution...

Is to stop worrying so much about things 'cos it's something stupid (at a ceratin point) and life shouldn't be like that 'cos even if you worry you can't change anything so it's always better to wait until things happen and if you have a problem u should just think about how can u solve it instead of worrying about it. I know this byheart but somehow I always end up worrying too much so I'll do my best to change this.

Today I felt really stressed 'cos I didn't know how make my schedule for the next semester, we are given a date and time to make it but since it's only my 2nd semester at Uni I had no clue about how to create it on my online account and I felt really stressed, I even phoned Uni but they never answered so I felt even more stressed and actually I had nothing to stress about because I was talking with 2 mates and they didn't know either and they were calmed! but yeah I was feeling as if my life was about to end :S and in the end I just reviewed my online account again and I found the date and time to create my schedule!! so I had nothing to worry about.

That wasn't the only thing that made me realise I need to change, today I also called to a travel agency to check some details about my trip to Chicago to see the Spice Girls live and before I could sort it out I was feeling anxious and worried, and actually I had felt that way for some weeks now because I hadn't called he travel agency, I was just like "Oh maybe I won't go in the end so I have to make up my mind" lol as you can see I REALLY need to change, on a positive note I was really excited when I phoned the travel agency 'cos while I was waiting for the lady who was searching on their data base I was able to listen to the music they were listening to and they were listening to "Let Love Lead The Way" and as soon as it ended "Holler" (both Spice Girls song) was played so I presume they were playing Spice Girls' GH since that's the order they appear on the tracklist, I thik it was a great coincidence!

(The Spice Girls smiling for the camera just after they signed their airplane)

I'm a nerd :P

Yeah... I received most of the votes by my class mates so last night I got my "award" for being the most nerd guy among everyone in our grade.. I knew I was going to win that category so I wasn't surprised and I dont' really feel offended 'cos I don't really think I'm nerd, I just think I'm really responsible and well if I wanna have a bright future and achieve my goals I know I have to work hard so it's better to start working now.

Today at the school ceremony I received a ring 'cos I studied there for 16 years and I received me diplomas as well, it was a nice ceremony and while some class mates were giving their speeches I felt really emotional and felt like crying like once or twice but I controlled my feelings haha

Here are some bad quality pics taken before the ceremony, they look bad 'cos no-one really had the time to take pics so they were taken in a hurry.

High School is out completely!

Yes... it's finally over, today I presented my last exam (Creativity) at school so it means I'm done with High School !

We'll have a celebration on Thursday at a pub, on Friday a school ceremony will take place and on Saturday our graduation party and it's all, after 16 years I'll finally stop seeing the same faces. A new stage in my life is about to start and even though sometimes it's scary since it'll be a huge change I just can't wait to meet "real" life.

"Family"

During the last days I've been having some kinda troubles with my family, it all started on Saturday morning when we were getting ready for a religious ceremony of a cousin, I decided to wear a nice shirt, a pair of jeans (Not casual looking jeans) and shoes, and this was the "huge" mistake I made.. when I was fixing my hair my brother saw me and asked me "Are u going to wear jeans?" in a surprise wayand I replied "Yes" confidently. When I finished styling my hair I went to my sister's bedroom and when she saw me she asked me the same damn thing, while I was in my sister's bedroom my brother was telling my parents about this "emergency" and soonn my dad called my name in a loud tone but I didn't reply nor went to his bedroom (He wanted to tell me to change the jeans) however when I came out of my sister's bedroom my mother saw me and asked me again if I was going to wear jeans (She tried to act natural as if I didn't knew my brother had told her about it) and I got really mad and replied "Damn why is everyone asking me the same, yes I'm going to wear jeans" , after a few moments I was in my bedroom and my sister and my mum started to talk about it and I just shouted "Yes, even if youwhisper about it I'll still wear jeans" and they didn't reply.

This made me feel awful, I just wanted to burst into tears because for the first time in my life I was being rejected by my family and it wasn't a nice experience 'cos I just started to think about how obvious this was.. I'm gay, I'm not a "normal" guy and I have a determined personality.. of course they can't accept someone like me but well thankfully I was able to control my sadness/anger and didn't cry.

To make things a bit worse next day I realised how crappy the realiton between my brother and me is 'cos he wanted to see Harry Potter's latest film and well he aksed my sister to accompany him but she said no 'cos she needed to study... he knew I didn't have to study and he wasn't bothered to ask me to accompany him :( this was a bit sad too but well I just didn't let it surprise me since I have always known my borther dislikes me for loads of reasons and I have to admit that I dislike him too but at least my reasons are worth it and I have been able to verify that each time I talk wth my sister or my parents about my brother's spoilt life/attitude (My parents accept it but carry on supporting it) and I also vefiried it yesterday when I went with my grandmother and him to a shoping centre, she wanted to buy him a b-day present and while he was in the fitting rooms she told me a lot of things about him that are true (spoilt, doesn't appreciate my dad's efforts ..)

So as you can see it hasn't been a good life for me lately but I'm happy 'cos I've been able to get over this on my own and I have to admit it just feels great to realise you're on the right track.

"Super brothers".. almost 5 years ago

Today I feel..

really depressed.. and the worst thing is that I just don't know why.

As you know soon High School will be over and I'll move to Mexico city to start Uni but I just don't know why am I feeling so down today... I just don'w know if the changes that are about to come will be good or if I'll do well in this new stage of my life that's about to come. I'm really desperate and sad and sometimes I just wish I could bedad 'cos I'm just feeling scared of life.. not achieving my main goal or not being able to find someone 'cos I'm too weird.

I just feel my whole world is heavier than me and as if I couldn't handle it.